


Confessions

by edith681



Category: Original Work
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-04-27
Updated: 2017-04-27
Packaged: 2018-10-24 18:34:52
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,927
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/10747458
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/edith681/pseuds/edith681
Summary: After several people confess to things over facebook they open up a confessional. People start confessing to things from all over the world, from cleaning the toilet with their friend's toothbrush to killing people!





	Confessions

Facebook Confessional

trees24

I ate mud once and I'm 13.

shoreyuri390

I switch around the letters on signs all the time.

headphones23

I went to the empire state building last week and I took a shit on top of it.

myronruleswithoutquestion74

I once watched 74 episodes of Family Guy without stopping.

doitoncedoittwicedoitthreetimes109

I once hit someone over with a bench and I did it on purpose. It was so super weird. I don't even know how I picked it up. Maybe I was drunk. I'm drunk a lot.

ciraidunnoleftyou45

I have a confession to make. My mom baked me a cake last week, but I didn't like it. See, she made me coffee cake, and I don't like that kind. So I smashed it while she was gone, and then blamed it on the dog. I told her that the dog knocked it over. He's big enough. Besides, he did clean it up. I feel terrible about that! But, mom, after 15 years, you should know I don't like coffee cake! Memories suck sometimes!

whatareyouwaitingfor573

My mom bought me a beautiful new purse last week, and just about an hour ago I tore it in half because I got mad at her for sending me to my room for breaking a dish because she broke the rules during Scrabble and we started yelling at each other.

amyduncanisalright472

I stepped on my hermit crab once. It was an accident!

arlington21

I cheat at Scrabble sometimes!

roadmaster572

Sometimes I get hammered at eight in the morning. Once in a while at seven-thirty. Once I got nailed at six.

iamwatchingyou28

I once killed a man by driving a stake through his heart. See, I asked him if he wanted another beer when we were out on a date. He said no so I tried to insist. He got mad. I tried to say forget about it but it was too late. He was really steaming. Finally we started yelling at each other. I yelled at him and he yelled at me. Then we got into a seriously physical fight, and that's when I killed the guy. The end.

tortureandtorment47

I killed 13 people in three weeks.

1000confessions56

I don't just have one confession. I have a whole bunch. Well, maybe I should start with just one. Last week I drove the kids to soccer practice. They argued about which station to put the radio on. Then we parked. I told the kids to be careful opening their doors because there were cars on either side of us. They were very careful. Unfortunately, in all my commotion about the kids, I forgot I was so close to the Volvo on the opposite side of me, and my door made a dent in the Volvo. But here's the worst part: I didn't pay for it! I didn't even tell the woman about it. That's my confession.

thisisit527

I won a guitar once and rubbed it in my best friend's face. We never spoke again.

gerrytarlington56

I once had a nice cake that was very pretty. Then I found out that it was made of cardboard, so I killed the guy who had made it for me. See, I ordered a big cake that was really nice that I wanted for my party, but I thought it was going to be real. Grr!

diaperonmybumbum35

I think i'm in love with my wife's best friend. I had sex with her last week and it was the best sex I'd had in years.

whenimdeadandinhell

I tied up three people and let them starve to death in my basement.

itson246

I was a guest star on three shows. I was in a dunk tank once and yelled at a seven year old to go fuck himself after he dunked me. His parents didn't take it kindly at all. I felt terrible afterward.

firewooddidntwork

I ate 17 burgers and 34 boxes of fries all in one sitting.

ditchthedirt74

I ate and ran once. I ditched out on the bill once.

dowhateveriwant1978

I pooped in my mom's bed this morning because she told me we were going to Memphis. She's about to find it. And there's the scream. I better run.

churchgoerintherunningforyours418

I missed the urinal twice today and I'm 19.

upyours713

I told my mom she can bite my shiny metal ass yesterday. I am nine.

Chosenontheair513

I'm pregnant at fifteen. I'm so sorry daddy!!

watchingmyselftakeadump5490

I fainted three times in a month. I have no idea why.

baseballisincredible561

I hit my best friend with a baseball bat yesterday. Purposely.

goodtobeback57

I threw a table last week because my mother wouldn't buy me an ice cream cone.

damnyoutohell239

I stole 27 things from a convenience store last weekend. I also ate a candy bar in the store right in front of the store manager.

arlingtonintheshots48

I call my friends and make threatening phone calls like in When A Stranger Calls. Of course, I use a different voice than my own and I only ever call people who haven't seen the movie before. Sometimes I even use the same lines from the movie. Funny, nobody's ever ratted me out to the police before. Of course, if they did, they wouldn't even know it was me, and even if they did, I'd just say it was a joke, which is the truth, and my friends would know it. Although, I guess I just told them myself. Whatever.

ALLCAPITALLETTERS921

LAST WEEK I CRASHED MY BROTHERS PARTY BECAUSE I WAS MAD AT HIM FOUR EATING THE LAST CUPCAKE.

LONG LIVE THE REVOLUTION!

radicaleating18

I never take out the trash. I hate doing it.

livingonradio213

I steal a pair of my brothers socks every time he makes me mad. After 10 years of stealing his socks, I have 317 pairs in my room.

dasherhendrynumberonedog

I got into the trash yesterday and ate the rest of the cake that my owners threw out.

pebbles119

I used my sister's toothbrush to clean the toilet because she yelled at me to get out of her room.

beatharlem23

I toiletpapered my neighbor's house because he wouldn't let me borrow a screwdriver. I'm 25.

78196doortoanotherworld1953

I got angry at my brother and I smashed his wedding cake. I'm 47 years old.

dasherhendrynumberonedog

I dropped a deuce on my owner's favorite shirt yesterday because he made me get a shot at the vet.

Doinitright

When customers are rude to me I spit on their burgers. I even put rat poison in someone's orange juice once.

giantborrowedmouse513

I cry every time I have to get a shot. I'm 24.

figuredfifiarrow

I ate an entire cake once.

theart27aidenace

I peed on the couch once. On purpose.

voodoofivethousand558

I'm gay.

Myrowiwatchoveryou

I have killed eleven people and thirty-eight dogs.

avengedsevenfold44

I stole two candy bars from my brother's stocking.

bookclubsareawesome

I cut open the couch cushions.

Goingviral

I called my boyfriend a son of a bitch yesterday.

Johnjacobjingleheimerschmidt

I think I'm interested in boys. I'm a boy myself.

meetingstwenty

I broke a lamp yesterday because I didn't want to go to the doctor's office. I'm sixteen.

ryersonrules409

I drank 25 bottles of beer once in one sitting.

imallhappynows

I dumped an entire bottle of shampoo down the shower drain.

favoriteart74

I tore all my brother's posters in half because he called me a piece of $&@*.

Showupinterested12

I broke the tv while my mom was out and blamed it on the dog.

Whyareyousighing556

I wanted Mcdonald's breakfast, but my mom wouldn't buy me any, so I used her favorite shirt to clean out the toilet. After I pooped in it, of course.

Freshmaterial452

I smashed my mother's painting simply because I was jealous that it was better than the one I made this month in kindergarten. I blamed it on the cat. We don't even have a cat!

Ineeddancers109

I laughed when my best friend tripped over a tree branch and broke her ankle.

freedomisfried487

I had a sex orgy last night with a bunch of women whose names I didn't even know. I've been married for five years. Sorry, Mary, but you give terrible blow jobs.

Sistersaskatoon57

I yelled at my brother to get out of my room...hey, wait a minute!

dasherhendrynumberonedog

I ate my owner's chocolate bar on New Years Eve. Woof!

Watchthisyouidiot

I ate an entire bag of sugar once because my mom wouldn't buy me a candy bar.

Iamlistening

I got an abortion once.

Whyareyouinterested

I gained 28 pounds over the March break. I ate 7 bags of popcorn and 13 chocolate bars, as well as cake and ice cream.

Walkerfriesknights1678

I yelled at a kid, called her a whore, and blew smoke in her face all because she told me that smoking was bad and hazardous to my health and the health of the people around me. She told me that smoking causes heart diseases and lung cancer and secondhand smoke is hazardous to the people around me-like her. The worst part was, she was only ten and it was a no-smoking zone.

sittingonfountains446

One time I saw a sign that said "Stay off the grass," but I didn't. Instead, when nobody was looking, I stepped on it and sat on it and ran in a circle. I even peed behind a tree on it. Sorry.

asinineeightytwo

I pee in the shower on weekends. Once I even peed in the sink.

iamreallysmart2785

I ate an entire frozen pizza once-when it was still frozen.

smithsonian334

I drew a million pictures once without stopping.

steinberglovesdogs52

I formed a candlelight vigil once for no good reason. Actually, I formed two hundred and fifteen.

rufusisdabomb58

I like to dance like a stripper sometimes. I'm a man.

sappyarinmillsincanada

I killed three people last year. Come on, police, arrest me.

rallinidunnowhattosay1339

I am an alien, and I invaded the earth ten years ago.

doorswithoutscrambledeggs

I ate all the eggs in the house this weekend, and we had three cartons of eggs. My wife's gonna be pissed.

simonfrecklesalldone570

I ate my friend's toothbrush once.

Yum, it was good.

betsyisnotinterested354

I'm eleven. I peek into girl's locker rooms, smoke dope and weed, take ecstasy and drink beer and feel up girls years older than me at high school parties. I just had sex for the first time last week.

amesjoshuawatchesyoupee22

I peek into girl's locker rooms and feel up girls half my age and look at Playboy. I'm 37 and have been married for 13 years.

amosryersonrunsidodatyoudodis28

I shot ten people and I peed in the shower twice. I killed my dog.

youintodis824

I broke my son's xbox. On purpose.

letsdoitthisway4490

I once told a six year old girl and her eight year brother they could burn in hell and they'd done nothing to me. They hadn't even talked to me.

soapy72

I talk to strangers sometimes even though I'm not supposed to and once, I burned down an entire shopping mall on purpose. It happened to be my favourite one and the only reason I burned it was because my arch enemy Tina also goes there and she said that if that shopping mall disappeared, she would never go to the mall again and she would spend the remainder of her days in her bed crying her eyes out and eating peanut butter cookies and she'd even let me videotape it! And that was something I wanted to witness and videotape!

salamander53

I tore up 517 library books in the last five years.

 

 

**A/N: None of these confessions are real. They are just funny and creative things that I came up with.**


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